Over the past ten weeks I have been in a Death, Loss, Grief, and Dying class. Every week I was forced to interact, contemplate, and relive experiences of death. While my losses have been few in comparison to others, it has significantly changed me.
I read a book this quarter called The Crucified God which gave an account of Jesus' death beyond personal salvation. In fact, when we truly understand the cross we see that our God is not only a God of love but a God of suffering. This is not limited to Jesus' physical suffering in death, but suffering in the nature of the Trinity. We must realize God's suffering in Trinitarian terms. How does God the Father, God and Son, and God the Spirit share in this suffering since we believe them to be three and one together. What I realized through this reading was that God in his threeness and oneness not only suffered then but in some form continues to suffer with his creation as it suffers. God took the ultimate punishment, that of the worst criminal and suffered non-violently. If the Creator God does this, what does that mean for creation?
Through the events of the past I have harbored hate toward others...serious hate, to the point of no remorse. But the problem with hate is that it is violent; violent toward myself, violent towards others, and violent towards any future situation. It remains violent because I allow it to propagate my response.
The picture above is what I created. It is an icon to focus my thoughts and prayers on God. The box outside is painted black to illustrate how death surrounds us all. The red on the inside covers the entire box, showing how Christ's life and death literally changes the entire nature of the universe. And the cross is empty, signifying Jesus' resurrection as the event which places us in a state "already but not yet," resurrection started in Jesus but it is not completed for humankind. What this last part means is that as followers of Christ we are called to participate with God toward His future Kingdom, because it has started (with Jesus) but is not yet finished. We cannot bring this final time on our own, but as God's creation we are working with Him, through the Spirit, toward the time of restoration of all things.
My situation led me to ask the question, "how do I forgive my enemy?" If I am to call myself a Christian, I must participate in every way, meaning I cannot hate any longer. I realized the only way to forgive is in light of the cross. I can ask my question but only behind that which changes my reality, Jesus' death on the cross.
Through this class, project, and being utterly humbled by my best friend, I was able to begin the journey of forgiveness. It is not easy, and there are times where I default to my previous ways. Only through Christ's Spirit working in me and the continual focus on Christ's life, death, and resurrection will I be able to find my hope.
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